Chi and the Chocolate Factory
by Hairy Buttocks
Summary: When Chi manages to sneak her way into the Willy Wonka's factory by forging her own golden winky madness is only sure to ensue. Things are not always as they appear in the factory, can Chi find out the disturbing truth about Wonka before it's too late?
1. The Chainsaw Massacre

A/N- This is a crossover of Chobits and the 2005 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. (The Johnny Depp version) It's written by me and my big sis, who helps me lots with it because I'm a shorty. This story's a bit rude, and involves lots of golden winkies. You have been warned. :)

**Chi and the Chocolate Factory**

**Chapter 1- The Chainsaw Massacre **

Far far away there lived a magical girl called Chi. Chi was fancied by Hideki, who hadn't yet realised Chi was a robot and their first meeting involved them being naked on the floor of the Karaoke Club. One day when Hideki was out to buy naughty magazines he saw a poster stapled onto a screaming agonised girl's back. She was running in circles, so he belly-flopped on her so that he could read it, and pinned her to the ground. The poster said;

_Dear people of the world,_

_My name is Willy Wonka and this year I will allow five children to come visit my factory. To win this amazing prize you find the golden winkies hidden in my Wonka bars. They are hidden in bars all over the world; the ones to find them must come to the factory on February the 1__st__ at 9:00 sharp. Anyone late will be shot with a chocolate cannon._

While Hideki was out, Chi was watching the television. The news began, and a woman in a smart orange suit was on screen speaking. "There are golden winkies hidden under the ordinary wrappings of the Wonka bars, the world's going bananas to find them. We've already had twelve shootings involving Wonka bars," she said.

Chi watched, entranced. "Must. Get. Golden. Winky."

When Hideki came back home he brought with him a Wonka bar. (He could only afford one since he was dirt poor) Chi walked over to Hideki and said in a robotic voice, "You. Bought. Me. The. Golden. Winky."

"No Chi, I've bought a Wonka bar. If we're lucky we might get the golden winky. Then we can go to the factory and stuff ourselves with gooey chocolate." He leaned back and drooled.

Chi took the Wonka bar from Hideki and tore open the wrappings, paper flying in all directions; she was determined to get that winky. But lo behold, it was not there. Chi began to weep robotic tears.

"Nevermind Chi, we weren't likely to get it anyway. Let's go back to the Karoke Club. That'll cheer you up." He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Chi has a better idea!" Chi said, wiping her eyes, a smile lighting up her face, "We chop yours off and paint it gold."

Hideki stared at Chi, believing her to be joking. But Chi pulled off her arm, revealing a massive chainsaw, she pressed a button and it started whirling furiously. Hideki ran out the room screaming like a little girl, a dark patch appearing on his jeans. Chi ran after him with the chainsaw yelling "Chi chi chi!"

Chi, using her superhuman robotic powers caught up with Hideki and smiled grimly. Hideki screamed as the chainsaw descended.


	2. A Winky Adventure

**Chi and the Chocolate Factory**

**Chapter 2- A Winky Adventure**

Five minutes later, Chi finally had her winky, which, with the aid of some golden paint, would allow them to enter the factory.

On Febuary the 1st, they hopped out of bed and rushed to the factory gates, still dressed in their pyjamas, except Hideki, who slept in the nude. He was shouted down by the crowd and promptly stole the nearest item of clothing; an old lady's dress which was hanging on a nearby washing line. He threw it on with haste.

Willy Wonka's voice echoed the outside of the factory through the microphone. A goofy voice said: "Howdy partners! All you lucky six kiddies step forward with yer winkies fer me ta inspect."

He stepped out the front door in a pink frilly dress with lace around the cuffs and a deeper pink sash around his waist tied into a bow at the back. The crowd stared in shock, a deep silence filling the air, finally punctuated by a wolf whistle.

He came up to the gates towards the six children who stood on the opposite side, "Show me yer winkies," they held out the golden items through the gate and Wonka walked up to a little girl standing with her father first. "What's yer name?" he asked.

"I'm Veruca, obviously," said the girl pompously, as if everyone in the world knew it already.

"Oh…right." Said Wonka, and he leant forward to inspect the winky. "That seems to be in order," he said, taking an extra sniff and smiling. Her father cringed from behind her.

He moved along the line until he reached Chi and Hideki at the other end, he looked at them respectively, obviously confused, then he looked finally at Hideki, "What's your name, little girl?" he said with a disturbing grin.

Hideki looked angrily at the drag queen in front of him, "I'm not a girl, I'm a bloke!"

"Oh," said Wonka, and then he wriggled his eyebrows at Hideki, "You're my kind of bloke," he gestured to Hideki's dress, and moved closer to whisper in his ear. "I have a club for people like us, talk to me later if you want ta know more."

He moved his head to the winky and gave it a hearty sniff. He eyed it oddly, "It smells a bit… strange, but it's certainly the right size, so you can go in." Hideki glanced at Chi, wondering what he meant by 'right size.'

"Right," Wonka said, interrupting his thoughts, "okay kiddies, it's time to go in. I don't have much time to kill you all- uh, I mean- show you all the factory." He coughed and turned away to the side. "So naïve," he said with an evil grin.

"Who's naïve?" said Violet, who was standing half a metre from him.

"Huh? Uh- I didn't say that, I said you were you were a… a nonce!"

Violet looked at him blankly. "What's that?" she asked.

Wonka became even more flustered. "It's- uh-uh- it means you're the most intelligent girl I've ever met."

Violet beamed at him, and turned to her mother. "Did you hear that Mum? Mr Wonka said I was a nonce, isn't that great!?"

Mrs Beauregard glared at Wonka and said; "You discusting man, you're worse than Hitler!" Then she promptly slapped him.

"I have lots of money," said Wonka, his face expressionless.

"Oh I'm so sorry Mr Wonka, I didn't mean that all! I think you're quite dashing really, I'm sure my little ignorant daughter just misheard you."

"I'm not ignorant Mum!" cried little Violet.

Veruca snorted, "Yes you are."

"Stop snorting cocaine Veruca," said her pompous father, "you already had two tons this week. It's not good for your digestive system."

"But digestive system loves it, it's like there's a party in my digestive track and everyone's invited!"

"Can I come?" asked Chi hopefully.

"No," said Veruca, silencing her with a sharp look.

Chi looked down to the ground sadly, and tears started in her robotic eyes. "Chi is upset now."

Hideki slapped Veruca round the face with his own golden winky. She pouted, and then drew up a courageous look unto her face. Like a sword from a sheaf she whipped out her golden winky from her pocket and brandished it at Hideki. "Bring it on!" she cried.

Hideki gave her an incredulous look and promptly slapped her silly with his winky. Willy Wonka found he had to intervene. He stepped out in between the duelling couple and held his hands out.

"Come on ladies, stop fighting and lets get on with the killing- uh, I mean the trip."

He marched forward, his pink dress fluttering in the breeze. Chi the robot, Hideki the cross-dresser, Charlie Bucket the boring kid, Mike Teevee the only boy in the world who romanced his television set, Veruca Salt, who owns 90 of the Earth's comdoms, Violet Beauregard, who chews much more than gum (Cough, cough, cow pat) and Augustus Gloop, who is made 40 chocolate, 40 sausage and 20 handbag (he thought they were hamburgers) followed after the chocolatier, all whistling happily at the adventure they were sure to embark on.

They entered through the front door. "Take off your coats and just sling them anywhere," said Willy Wonka with a grin. Everyone took off their coats, except for Charlie, who was too poor to own anything apart from the old used handkerchiefs he'd managed to sow together into a shirt and trousers. Hideki had no coat, so instead he took off his dress and stood there in the nude. Underneath, he had inexplicitly acquired a hot little pink thong that hugged his body like a very wet wetsuit. Everyone looked at him in pure shock, many of girls looked like they were about to faint. All except Wonka, who was currently covered in drool, due to the substance running down from his mouth all the way into his shirt, trousers and onto the floor.

"Oh baby," he whispered huskily, "I wanna see you in a CHOCOLATE tub."

He would have said more, but at that moment there came movement from the corners of the room. There were little holes in the walls, like mouse holes, except a little bigger. From them came some very strange creatures. They were like little black men, except they walked on their hands and knees, and there were shackles round their ankles with balls and chains attached. They moved quickly and swiftly, crawling up to the coats sprawled upon the ground. They opened their little mouths wide and began to suck in. It wasn't like a normal suck, they were like little hoovers. The coats and Hideki's dress were sucked in, and then the little people closed their mouths and swallowed. Then they skedaddled back into the holes, as though they were afraid to be near Wonka.

"Who are they?" said Charlie Bucket in his quiet modest voice.

"Oh, they're just my slaves- uh I mean- my workers. My lovely, hardworking workers."

"Then why do they have the balls and chains on them?" asked Charlie.

"Fashion accessories," said Wonka. He coughed, and strode forward. "Right!" he exclaimed, "onto the first room!"


	3. The First Victim

**Chi and the Chocolate Factory**

**Chapter 3- The first victim**

Willy Wonka led the six children and their guardians towards a tiny door set in the wall. He pulled out his key ring and flipped through them, finally picking one shaped like a winky. He stabbed it into the door and the door said "Ouch!" before it opened.

"How are we supposed to fit through that?" asked Augustus Gloop, "you forget- I'm very fat!"

The group turned to Augustus and laughed mercilessly. Fat tears ran down his fat face. Everyone got on their knees and crawled through the door- it was a very tight squeeze. Apprehensive, Augustus hung back till the end, and then attempted to crawl through. His head came through, and then his shoulders, but when it came to his gigantic belly, he became stuck fast. The flab stuck to the doorframe and he couldn't move. He tried to back out, but it was no use.

"Mr Wonka!" he yelled, "I'm stuck! Please help me!"

Wonka turned back and sighed. He snapped his fingers, and several Oompa-loompas dressed in gimp suits with spiky dog collars crawled up to him panting.

"Yes master?" growled one erotically.

"The fat twat is stuck- go get the chocolate grease and push him out."

The Oompa-loompas crawled through the ventilation shafts to the other side of the wall and pulled out a bottle of chocolate grease. They whipped off his trousers and smothered his bottom with the chocolate. "Ow! Ow!" yelled Augustus from the other end, before his face changed. "Oooh, that is nice," he moaned.

The Oompa-loompas started to try and push him out. They pushed and heaved and strained, and burst out into song. It went a little like this;

**Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!**

**That great big fat twat, that nincompoop!**

**He's now stuck inside our door,**

**We'll push him out, but he'll be red rubbed raw!**

**If he complains that his privates are sore,**

**We'll kick him and beat him more and more!**

**Because Augustus Gloop is very fat,**

**He's stupid and ugly, a great fat twat!**

At last, Augustus came out the other end with a _POP!_

However, there was a slight setback. Augustus had been squeezed so much that he was as long and thin as a sausage, and had pointy corners, like the door he's been shoved through.

"I should run a Wonka weight-loss program," the chocolatier said contemplatively. "All right everyone, all aboard!"

He clambered onto Augustus's back, and the others followed suit. Slowly, the Augustus train chuffed down through the Chocolate Room, as he waddled on his arms and knees. Chi and Hideki sat on the back, the latter looking a little perturbed.

"Did some of that… seem a little strange to you?" he asked Chi.

"No, why would it?" she said in her soft melodic voice, adding a "Chi' on the end, as an afterthought.

Hideki merely shook his head, and sighed.

They all admired the fabulous Chocolate Room, and soon the train reached the chocolate river. They got off Augustus, and Willy Wonka kicked him and Mrs Gloop in. He yelled, and bubbles flittered on the surface for a few seconds, before disappearing. Wonka turned to the side and whispered evilly, "One down, five to go," and he laughed menacingly.

"Five to go for what?" Violet asked innocently.

"Ummmmm…. Chocolate éclairs?" Wonka said, his eyes wide.

"Sounds yum," she said cheerfully. "Can I have one now?"

"No," said Wonka haltingly.

Meanwhile, Hideki was scooping a cup down into the chocolate river to have a drink. He tasted it, "Wow, this is great!" he cried and picked up a lump out of the cup. He bit into it. "Mn, lumpy, but good." He rubbed his stomach happily.

Mr Salt leant over the river and pondered it. "It looks a little low though. You having a problem with supplies?"

"Oh, you're quite right. It could do with a refill. Righto', I'll sort that out now." He clapped his hands, and a line of twenty Oompa-loompas walked out onto the grass by the side of the river, all humming "Hmmmhmmhmmmhmmm" like musical hoovers.

They turned around, pulled down their trousers and the refill began. Brown globs dropped into the river with several plops.

"There," said Willy Wonka, "now you can have _all_ you want."

Hideki looked up at the Oompa-loompas, then down at his cup of poo. He looked up, and down again. Up, down. Up, down. Then he spat out the crap that was in his mouth, and it sprayed all in Charlie Bucket's face.

Charlie cried like a little girl, and ran and hid behind his grandfather, who laughed horribly.

"So…" said Veruca, looking horrified, "all the chocolate in the Wonka bars… is made from this?"

Wonka shook his head. "Not all. My strawberry fudge is made from sick. Also, lately diarrhoea has become a popular flavour with the masses." He grinned, his yellow teeth glinting.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Mrs Beauregard.

"Oh, please do. I'll get a bucket for you- that's valuable stuff, you know."

Suddenly a boat rolled up the river, it was the playboy boat. It was manned by Oompa-loompas with pink fluffy handcuffs and matching gimp suits.

Wonka called, "Up and over everyone!"

They climbed into the boat and sat down. Charlie's grandpa Joe thought the Oompa-loompas were very sexy. He was getting horny.

The boat set out; it moved through the sewage what Wonka called chocolate like a pooh stick. Ahead of them, a dark tunnel stretched up ahead, and engulfed them.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


End file.
